Temporary.

In this world, not everything is permanent.

Even my blogging. Or even my laptop.

My laptop died on me. I don't have a spare one.

Now, I don't know how to update my blog.

I'll see you when I get a new one.

For now, thank you for the 250 views.

Irene I

Trying to be a writer. Maybe I'll compile my other posts to have a clearer story since the main female character in all my posts are the same.

                                                  

She was feeling down the whole morning so she left the room. She needed to breathe, to think, to be alone. It's been a few days since she felt this way. She tried to hide her sadness, as usual, but it was consuming her too much already.

She stayed at the cafeteria even though she didn't feel like eating. She just sat there, staring blankly.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the guy sitting beside her. She shook her head and looked at him.

"Hey," he started.

She just smiled as a reply.

"You're one of the topnotchers in the exam, right?"

"Um, yes." She stretched her arms in front of her.

"Sleepy, huh? We're from the same room, that's why I kind of know you."

"Oh." She wanted to slap herself. She sounded so bored talking with him.

He might have noticed it so he tried excusing himself. "I'm sorry, I think I've disturbed you." He stood up and went to the vending machine.

Feeling ashamed, she stood and went to where he is. "I'm sorry. I was just thinking about things. By the way, I'm Irene." She tried to look cheerful and even extended her hand.

Picking up the can of soda he bought from the machine, he took her hand and shook it. "I'm Walter." He smiled. He then asked, "Are you going back to class?"

"Honestly, I'm not in the mood to be in that room. Wait, are you? Alright. See you later," she said and started walking past him.

"No, no... I mean, if you need company right now, I'm here. I'd like to stay--er, if you want me to stay."

She wasn't that stupid to not notice he wanted to be with her. But she also wasn't that stupid to take advantage of the situation.

"If you want to stay, well, thanks, I guess. But, don't blame if you miss a lot of lessons," she sat back where she sat earlier. He followed.

Maybe all she needed was a distraction...

[Continued on TFGG-Stories]

Soundtrack of the Day: A Thousand Miles

Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and I'm home bound. Staring blankly ahead, just making my way, making a way through the crowd.

I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you, if I could just hold you... tonight.

Soulmate, wherever you are...

I'll find you.

Video courtesy of Youtube.com

High.

Everything's in technicolor.

My head feels so light right now.

I don't feel any pain.

But I wanna get higher.

I need more of this.

Can you give me more?

Tissue.

She sniffed. Her cold is getting worse.

"Do you have some tissue?" she asked her seatmate. She covered her nose. She feels like her snot is coming out of her nose already.

"No, sorry," said her seatmate.

She stood up and left the room. She has no choice but to blow her nose in the restroom.

She took out her handkerchief and wiped her nose. She had her head down so she hit on someone. She still covered her nose as she was apologizing to the person but when she raised her head, it was him who she bumped into.

"Are you okay?" he said as he examined her.

She nodded her head.

"Good. I was going to the men's restroom. Where are you going?"

"To the restroom as well." She needed to go. Her nose was too clogged already.

"Why are you hiding your nose? You have a pimple?" He teased.

"No, no, no--" She accidentally let go of her handkerchief. She was so surprised that she blew her nose and her snot turned into a bubble.

She thought he would be grossed out but he picked up her handkerchief and wiped her nose.

She didn't know what to feel. Be ashamed of herself? But why is she blushing?

She moved away from him and hurried to the restroom. But before she even reached it, she heard him. "Get well soon, okay?"

Now she covered her whole face. What a day.

Rain.

Her eyes were fixed on the continuous pouring of the rain while leaning on the railing. She wasn't wearing any jacket. She didn't feel cold anyway.

"I heard you don't like the rain?"

She didn't need to turn her head. She knew it was him. Usually, she gets nervous whenever they talk but at that moment, she was comfortable being around him.

"Yep. The rain sucks. I don't know why I hate it now. Before I even walked under the rain. Now, even with just a single drop, I get so uneasy."

"I like it."

She looked his way. He was kind of stretching in place but still watching the rain. She found it cute.

"Do I look silly?" he said then turned to her. His face was glowing. Not blushing, but there's something different with him.

"No." But she smiled. She checked the time. Her class will begin in a few minutes. "I got to get to class." They weren't in the same class.

"Alright. Me too. See you later?" He smiled.

Before she entered the room, she looked back, hoping to catch him looking at her way.

He was.

He even winked.

She just stuck her tongue out.

He laughed.

Inequalities in my life I

Oh well > What if

I'm scared of not being the person I want people to see. I always play by the book; I choose to stay in my comfort zone. That's why my life right now is full of regrets. There are a lot of risky things that I believe would've made my life better but since I'm naive, I went for the easiest paths.

Now I'm suffering with all the "what-if's" in my head.

"Oh well" sounds so much better. At least, I've done something that could surprise people and even myself. At least, I could've proved everyone that I'm not just an ordinary person. At least, I would've chosen my own destiny.

I wonder when will I change?

Bent.

It's been 5 days, 2 hours, 32 minutes, and still counting since she left their apartment.

It was just a misunderstanding that turned into a huge argument.

He knows it's his fault.

But he didn't betray her. He never cheated.

He just needed to clear his mind.

Now, all he's left with is his best friend Johnny.

--

She decided to leave. She felt drained just being with him.

She was concerned about him but she overdid it.

She knows it's her fault.

She became too demanding and controlling.

She needed to clear her mind.

Now, she's alone in a cold motel room.

--

I miss her. I hope she answers her phone soon.

--

I miss him. I hope he'll still forgive me.

--

Her phone rang. She clicked it.

B: "I'm sorry. I know I've been a jerk but please come back. I'm sorry for--"

G: "No, I'm sorry. It's my fault. But let's forget about it."

B: "I miss you..."

G: "I miss you too..."

B: "W-where are you? I'll pick you up."

G: "At a near motel. Hey..."

B: "Yeah?"

G: "I love you and I'm so sorry."

B: "I love you too. Wait for me."

Bleed.

It's midnight. Lights are turned off; there's total darkness in the room.

She playfully places the razor blade near her skin.

She's in pain. She can't handle it anymore.

She opens her left palm and slowly makes a cut. A deep one.

The smell of rust fills the room.

She smiles.

It's not her first time. She did this several times even when she's younger.

Her scars are invisible, but they're there.

As if her body's asking for another, she makes another slit, now on her wrist.

She feels the blood gushing from her arm.

She's finally calming down.

Death.

The church bells are ringing.

A funeral march plays.

An empty casket surrounded by people donned in black.

They've written my name on the gravestone.

I'm ready to bid farewell.

Goodbye.

Battle.

I thought it'd be an endless fall.

But I felt my back hit a surface, hard enough to crush my bones.

My eyes were open but I'm blind in this darkness.

I let out a soft moan. I'm losing my voice.

I couldn't move my fingers, my arms.

Breathing becomes too difficult.

I'm in tremendous pain.

My angel couldn't save me.

The devil beside me awaits with a sly grin.

I'm losing the battle.

I whispered with my last breath.

Someone... save me.

Fall.

We've met in the most unexpected place.

An unfamiliar entity, he swept me off my feet within seconds.

How can he trespass with all the barriers I've set up?

Maybe it's my fault. I've let him do all his tricks on me.

I'm hanging on a thread. I can already hear it snapping.

He clipped my wings as he left me behind.

The only way now is down.

To fall to the darkness below.

I've let out all my prayers.

Light has left my eyes.

My last words were

I love you.

Lucky.

If there's nothing missing in my life then
Why do these tears come at night?

She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes are puffy and her nose is red. She looks horrible every time she cries. She forced herself to smile, but her tears have a life of their own, still crawling down her face. She found it funny how ugly she was in that moment. She started laughing, like she haven't cried all night.

Her laugh sounded empty, though.

She went to her bed, still laughing. Her tears didn't stop, either.

She fell asleep not knowing how to cope up with the pain.

For him.

Hi.

I know it's only been a few days since the first time we talked. I hope you don't really mind that I wanted to be friends with you. I wasn't being honest with you when you asked me how I found your Facebook profile. The truth is, I searched for it. I wanted to know you, not just your name or your school. I want to know you personally (Sorry this just sounds so creepy).

I also told you about people having a crush on you. Well, I'm actually one of them. I know you know that I stare at you across the building. At first, I didn't feel comfortable whenever I catch you looking my way but eventually, I decided to exchange glances with you since there's no harm in it (I guess). You have this feeling on you that makes me want to stare at you all day.

I know I said you looked like the kind who'll punch homos like me but after that small talk we had, I believe you're not like that. You don't judge people based on their gender or appearance. That's a plus one for you (from me lol).

Thank you for the effort in noticing me whenever we get to see each other in the hallways. Sorry, though, for not looking straight in your eyes. I admit I'm too shy and you might see the happiness in my face. I just don't want to scare you away.

There are a lot of things I want to know about you. But I guess the circumstances won't just let me. Or maybe it's fate working its way so our paths won't cross. Nevertheless, thank you for the 'friendship' we have right now.

You don't know how much it makes me happy to know someone like you.

Unexpected.

It was a warm morning. She came late to school. She didn't feel like going but her mother insisted. Her friend approached her once she reached the top of the stairs, greeting her with a smile that brightened up her morning. They talked about the results of their previous exams. She left her bag in their room and went back outside.

She saw her name posted on the corkboard. She was one of the students who got the highest scores. She tried hiding her smile but her happiness just showed. She went over the other lists. In almost all of the lists of subjects her name was included, making her teary-eyed. She wrote a message to her mom, telling her about the news. Every prayer she said, every tear she cried, every hour she didn't spend to sleep, they all paid off.

They were on their way back to their room when she saw him. She felt her heart jump a little, feeling beads of sweat crawl down her forehead. He passed by as she wiped the sweat. Surprisingly, he said hi to her. She thought the two of them would only share a glance. Out of nervousness, she only poked her tongue out. She only realized it was awkward when she reached their room.

Her friend teased her. She just shrugged but smiled.

This day was unexpected.
--
He was not ready to see her. Yes, they may have talked a little on Facebook but they were technically not friends yet. He only said hi to her since she looked at him. She might be expecting him to greet her so he did.

He knew she liked him. But he doesn't plan to play along. His priority is to pass the licensure exams and got no time for any complications.

And he's still in the process of recovering from a past relationship.

He doesn't have the heart to commit. Or even flirt.

#2

Just curl up and cry it all away. You'll be better.

You know you'll be.

Sorry, self.

He's not the problem.

I am.

Facebook Chat II

14:36
I: Hi. Are you there?
U: Yes. Why?
I: I missed you. Can we talk?
--
14:45
U: Um sure. What about?
I: You.
U: What do you mean?
I: I like you. I really like you.
--
14:57
I: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you about it.
(U logged out of Facebook chat)
--
15:03
I: :(
--
15:05
I: I really like you. I'm comfortable talking with you. I like how you can make me blush and laugh at the same time. I know you like someone else but...
--
15:07
I: Sorry for making everything between us complicated and awkward. Maybe I'll just avoid you... you can delete me as your friend.
--
15:10
I: No matter what, I'll still like you even if this is one-sided. Thank you for the brief friendship we had.

(To be continued)

#1

After the first meeting, don't get attached yet.

Prom.

She stands there, wearing that simple white gown. No glitters, ruffles, laces, or ribbons around it. She only had natural-colored foundation and clear lip gloss on. Her hair is not as overdone as the other female guests in the same room. She doesn't need to wear high heels since she was gifted with height, thanks to her dad. Now if she can only find her partner...

She looks around. The room is filled already. The program has not yet started but everyone's taking pictures by the sides. Some has even brought professional photographers. She starts to feel scared. She never liked crowds. She's used to being alone... the awkward girl.

The school photographer comes up to her and takes her picture. She gets surprised with the flash of the camera. I didn't even get the chance to smile, she says in her head. Then he leaves her alone.

You shouldn't have gone to this event. You can still run from humiliation, you know? Go. Run! A part of her is saying.

She hears the sound of static and the sound of microphone being tapped.

--

The program has ended and she's just sitting at an empty table. Almost everyone is on the floor, dancing to the beat of a pop song. Even her teachers look like they're having fun. The principal is at the buffet table, refilling her plate for the third time. She moves along the music, but not so much that she might catch the attention of other people.

Not that it bothers her. She knows she was being talked about. The popular girls are asking why she is even there. The dorks has asked her for a dance and she kindly declined them all. She's waiting for someone. But that someone is dancing with another girl.

--

He sees her entering the room. Just by seeing her, he knows this night will be the best. But he is scared of what people might say if they see the two of them together. Being a popular guy in school is not easy. Nobody knows how much he likes her. Nobody knows how often he stays in the library just to take glances with her. Nobody knows about their exchange of kisses, their secret notes, their relationship.

And that's what bothers him. He wants to make it official. He knows she's hurting since he keeps their relationship. He plans to tell everyone now. Here. But he can't find the courage to come up to her.

--

Everyone's busy dancing already. He needs to do it now. He can see her getting uneasy already, sitting alone and drinking on her glass nervously. But he needs some manning up first. He approaches his girl best friend, his cousin from the mother side, and takes her from her dancing partner.

He tells her, "I have to tell you something... about a girl."

She looks interested and sips from her glass of lemon punch. "Alright, shoot."

"I asked a girl to go with me tonight. But I can't even dance with her. I need some advice."

His cousin's eyes gets wide. "What? How can you make a girl suffer like that? Go! Take her hand and dance with her! Tell me, where is she? Who is she? I'll help you, loser."

He pointed at her. "There, at that table. The one in the white gown."

His cousin smiled and pulled him to get to the table. She says, "Wow. You are so gorgeous tonight! How come we never became friends before? And I apologize for my cousin. He's kind of a chicken. So, I'll leave you two, then?"

He felt his cheeks getting warm.

She stands up, facing him. He can see how amazing she looks. He can feel his heart jumping excitedly.

He smiles at her.

She smiles back.

--

Midnight, and they haven't gone home yet. They chose to stay at a park near the beach. The moon shines brightly over them. He handed her his coat so she won't feel cold from the sea breeze.

"Thank you," she says as she holds his hand, examining it and kissing it gently from time to time.

"No. Thank you," he kisses her cheek, "thank you for making my high school life a great one. I know it's been hard for you for not being a couple in school but now, everyone knows about us and I stopped feeling guilty already. I promise you, we'll make the best out of our remaining months in school. I love you."

"It's fine. I'm honestly alright with our set-up. At least, we don't have to put up with people asking why we're even together. I know you won't cheat on me. I trust you with all my heart. But now, I know that you really love me. You know I love you, too, right?"

He answered her with a kiss.

Brainfart I

If love can make you wait, maybe you can wait for servers to do their jobs. Being snappy is not being cool.

Midnight Blues II

People have different tastes when it comes to music, art, books, and other stuff.

I guess, they just don't like what I write. Or how I write.

I'll just shrug this feeling off.
xx

A happy story.

Once upon a time, there was a prince and everyone loved him. As he grew old, he discovered people should address him as 'Her Highness'. But he can't let go of his image of being a manly guy. Thus, the legend of the closet queen started. The end.

Facebook chat I

Hesitantly, she clicked his name on Facebook and wrote him a message saying 'Hi'. She closed her eyes as she slowly pressed Enter. Will he reply?
--
He seldom checks his Facebook but today, since he has nothing to do, he decided to go online. 1 new friend request. He quickly clicked it and saw her name. He felt shivers go down his spine. How did she know his name? How did she find her?
--
She knew it was wrong to send him a message. She knew he won't bother talking to her. She almost logged out of Facebook when suddenly, his message came. Yo, he said.

She felt her cheeks burning. She bit her lip and tried to keep her smile even though no one's watching her.
--
An hour has passed. Both of them talked as if they were friends for a long time.

She sees it as an opening.

He's not certain what he feels.

Made-up quotes I

Sometimes, love hides behind friendship.

Midnight Blues I

I have plenty of ideas to share in this blog.

The main problem is how to process and organize all these thoughts in my head and write an almost perfect entry.

xx

February 14 -- Valentine's Day Part 2

As planned, I went to church early this morning. We arrived just in the nick of time before the 8AM ceremony (Every Thursday, the church conducts hourly mass. So there's one at 7AM, 8AM, and so on). Few weeks ago, I started my 'pilgrimage' in this church and I only got to attend novenas. However, today, I got to experience a 30-minute mass and a 30-minute novena. Not that I'm complaining. Honestly, I prefer this kind of ceremony because I hit two birds with one stone.

During the mass, I can't help but notice how good-looking the officiating priest was. I know it's rude to stare and desire on the priest but if you only got to see how tall he was, how small those Chinese eyes were, how manly his voice was, any girl will fall for him (and maybe some homos, too!). Anyway, as I was praying to God (please, no attacks on my faith), I was a bit laughing because I told Him that He's my date for today. I think God found it irritating that's why I staged a bit of a show of coughing spells there.

We traveled back after the mass, stopped by a McDonald's drive-thru, and went directly to the municipal hall of my town. There, I took my first community tax certificate. Actually, it was my first time seeing and visiting that part of town. Sorry, I just don't belong in that place--I mean, it's far from where I live. Before we head back home, my brother had a detour to a small flower shop in the next town. I didn't have any choice but to wait 'til we reach home.

At home, mom surprised us, telling we have to go the clinic for a check-up (I have cough and cold and my brother has a problem with his... tummy). I didn't have enough time to relax but I sneaked a few minutes to watch parts of Leverage Season 1 Episode 1. In my opinion, that show is good (but as I checked Wikipedia, I learned it got canned already).

At the clinic, we had to wait for at least 30 minutes before we got called. My physician (who was my physician since I was 12) talked to us casually like we're old friends. She prescribed four different medicines and God, that's not healthy for my liver. Oh well, for the sake of my health, I have to be religious in taking those meds.

We headed to the mall afterwards to get my haircut. When we were in the salon, the receptionist told us that the guy who did my hair last year resigned so I had to go back to the other hairstylist. He was accommodating though I found it hard to understand what he's saying since I'm beginning to become deaf (hopefully not!) and he has this accent from another province that I'm not used to listening to. I chose a lighter hair color now since I want to enjoy whatever I can enjoy before I become a professional and become a corporate puppet. I waited for half an hour for the treatment to settle and then, there I was, with a new look. I felt so brand new in that moment. (LOL!) Before going home, mom went to a bakeshop and bought dessert for my godmother who's celebrating her birthday now. My mom didn't know what to buy for her so instead she chose convenience over extravagance.

Finally, I got to stay home and checked my Facebook. This guy I was cyber-stalking for a while accepted my friend request! I don't know why I'm happy writing this (LOL!) but, yeah, it feels good to meet other people. He was friendly, if I must say. I thought he was one of those homophobic guys who blocked people off their social network pages (Yeah, F. U. J--!) but I was wrong. He's funny, he's easy to talk to, and I felt comfortable talking to him in an instant. We talked for over an hour and I was happy I added him.

Now I can say I really don't have to go out on a date tonight. My day was more jam-packed than a motel can ever be.

I didn't need a date. God was enough for me today. But He blessed me and gave me time to spend with this wonderful people. It's a Happy Valentine's Day, for once.
xx

P.S.
I think my heart was hit and got run over, though.

February 14 -- Valentine's Day

Going through my Facebook news feed, my so-called friends (some of them I barely even know) rejoice as it is February 14 today. Some are posting on their walls `Happy Valentine's Day!' but most of them are conveying bitterness for this 'special' day. For example:

• "Valentines? Magdodota nalang ako. HAHAHAHAHA >:)" (Valentine's? I'll just play DotA. LOL)
• "Valentines Day na naman. Maiinggit na naman ako sa mga magso-syota na makikita ko." (It's Valentine's Day again. [I'm pretty sure] I'll get envious with the couples I'll see.)
• "Sana 15 na bukas. Excited na akong sumahod. Hindi naman sa bitter pero wala na kasi akong pera. HAHA :P" (I wish it's [February] 15 already. I'm excited to receive my salary. Not that I'm bitter but I don't have money left. LOL)

In this society that I currently belong to, people call you 'bitter' whenever you act like a sourpuss when it comes to love. I'm not sure whether it's the same in other countries but that's how people label other people here.

But let's not get into branding people. That's a deeper topic and my brain can't process my thoughts properly now.

February 14 is always celebrated here in my country with glee. People expresses their love with a date in the park, or in the movies, or a dinner date or even with just a simple coffee. I guess we just value love so much more than anything else. Even though we've been through many hardships and experienced a lot of failures (and I'm assuming here), we still believe that love will prevail. That love, no matter how long it will take, will arrive in our hearts if it's the right time.

In my case, this February 14 will be an ordinary day. I will be going to church early this morning, proceed to the municipal hall to get a community tax certificate (a government document), get a haircut and probably a new hair color, then get myself some passport-size picture (or however you call that).

If you're thinking that I should go out on a date tonight... Unfortunately, no one asked this fat gay guy. Not that it matters to me, though. I'm used to it. (Yes! Sense the bitterness in that previous sentence.)

I'd like to try it next year, though. Or the next, next year. Or in the next three years.

Now I'm really sounding bitter. How lame.
xx

Ready?

This blog is new (obviously).

The main theme? People. Things. Events. Anything under the sun. I like, no, I love observing my environment. I love taking leisure walks. I love watching a mother cat play with its kittens. I love eavesdropping. I love making assumptions about people.

Nobody notices whenever I'm being nosy. That is, nobody really cares, anyway.

And yes, if you can remember...

I'm that fat gay guy you just passed by.